ROAD TO ADOPTION - STORIES OF AGING OUT

(MUSIC PLAYS)

No Audio: Baily, Aged out of Foster Care 

Baily: The first time that I was really in foster care for a long time was, I was probably in the summer of my sixth grade year. My mom, I thought, was doing really good. She owned her own business, you know, and I thought she was finally cleaning up, and it all turned out all wrong because I... and then it, all of a sudden, like my mother got caught with a meth lab in our garage. And me and my sister got taken away. 

We got sent to a group home first, so actually it was like a shelter home, and we were there for probably only a month and we got placed together as a family, because they wanted to place us together and it took them a month. So, we finally got placed in a home together and things didn't work out for me, but it worked out for my sister. 

And she said that she didn't want me because I wasn't, like, her type of foster kid. Like, she liked my sister because my sister was more secluded and to herself, you know, and didn't like to do things, and I was the more energetic one that wanted to go out and do things. 

And she said I was too hard to keep track of. So I got sent to a different home, when actually I'm kind of glad that I did get sent to a different home, because the next home I went to, I was more free to be myself. And I was encouraged to go out and do things, instead of being hindered by them. My mom during that time was trying to fight for us to come back, whatever. 

And I really didn't understand why, because of all the years... and I don't even know why we finally got to go back home, but in the beginning of my eighth grade year we did finally get to come back home. And it's all really good. Like, the first time you come back home when the worker's in there, it was like perfect. Like, I couldn't remember anything. 

It felt so good to be home, and then all of a sudden when they left, things just went downhill so fast. And I remember my ninth grade being so horrible, and I remember getting very depressed. I really wasn't myself. I remember that... I really did, I wanted to kill myself. And I did try one time. And then I actually threw up all the pills that I took, and I think it was after that moment where I realized that where I was at was not where I wanted to go. 

And I almost failed out my freshman year because of all the problems I had at home, and one day I finally... I got beat really bad by my mom and I decided that I had had enough. And I was going to be the strong person and I had left my home out in the country and I walked out to the highway and hitched a ride to the police station, and got sent back with the same home I was in before. 

Because there I felt like I was more in a family than I was at my own home. Because that to me... and, like, I missed that the whole time. And when I was back in that home, I wanted to be adopted. I did. And I was told... I was about 15 at that time. I had just turned 15, like, probably, 15 1/2. I said I wanted to get adopted and they told me I was too old to be adopted and that nobody would want me. 

And I said... and that's what I asked. I said, "Why can't I be adopted?" They never even tried because they said I was too old. Even though I wanted to. Actually it felt like they were saying that I wasn't worth their time to become adopted. Like, they didn't want to go through the court and the paperwork, or to terminate my mom's rights, and to go through that for me, even though that I wanted it really bad. 

And they kept trying to reunify me with my mother and I kept telling them, "I don't want to be reunified. I left home because I don't want to be there." So after that I think I just kind of gave up because so many were telling me, you know, that it won't happen for me. 

But, I think I made a better of it because when I was... I turned my whole high school around after that, my freshman year. I had nothing but A's and B's until my senior year, and I had maybe a one point... like, I had a horrible freshman year, but I ended up graduating with a 3.4 after my freshman year. 

And I participated in sports, and I was in different groups, whatever, kept myself busy, and I think that's what really... and I was supported in doing it. Like, they were, like, "You should really think about doing that, you need to go do that." And what was important for me in that is that my foster parents actually went to, like, my track meets and watched me, and cheered on for me. 

And felt to me like, my parents never did that for me. And it was like... that for me was like something a parent would do. Like, when they were so proud of me, like, when I get done running and I won a medal and they're like, "I'm so proud of you." And the first time it happened to me, I cried. It was just wonderful. 

And that's what made me realize that she was my mom. Like, just like, I don't need to be adopted anymore to feel like that that's my home. And I'm aged out now. I've been aged out for a year, and I go there for Christmas now, and I was there for Easter, you know, that's my home. I go there once a week, you know, and I have a son now, and my foster mom, you know, she's his grandma.

No Audio: Shane, Aged out of Foster Care.
 
Shane: I came into foster care because my mom was 15 years old when she gave birth to me and about several years later, she had my little brother. And she left me for days unnumbered to take care of my brother because she walked out and left us as a result of her addiction to heroin. 

I know my mom loved me very much because when I came into foster care they say that I had a very large vocabulary, and you don't develop that on your own. It's obvious that my mother spent a lot of time with me in spite of her drug addiction. 

One of the things that was really sad, though, is that as a result of being in foster care, we moved around a lot. We were moved from home to home and rejected quite a bit. I still live a lot with that pain. The thought of moving from house to house and going through that... whenever I think of those times, I often think about the numbers of children who still go through that. 

I think about it because of how it affects me today, in my relationships, and how I view and approach life, the passion that I bring to the things that matter most to me. I also remember the hope that I had for the many times that families came forward and there was interest expressed in possibly my brother and I getting adopted. 

And I remember the excitement that people expressed when they saw us and they thought that we were cute little boys, while we were cute when we were 12 and 9 years old. And I remember the things that they would say about how they'd look like this relative or look like that relative, and how that would just give me so much encouragement and hope because I thought I might get my chance at a family. 

And I remember the disappointments when it didn't happen. I often wondered why. Why, when I was placed in a home, someone might send me back because maybe I wasn't the kind of kid that might tell the truth all the time, or I was a kid who stole things from time to time, or I would act out in different ways. And I felt bad because when I would get kicked out of a home, I would look at my little brother and realize that it was often my fault that we were being thrown out of a home. 

And those feelings again of moving from place to place, and feeling a bit unsettled, made it very hard for me to trust people. And so, I guess as I went through my life growing up and then eventually having to be separated from my brother, because we wanted to make sure he had the best chance of getting a family. And ultimately, fortunately, he did. 

My brother ultimately did get adopted and it hurt him that we couldn't be adopted together. He's a grown man now and he wonders even as a grown man why was he left. While he had the satisfaction of getting a home, he feels that he was left. So there was a price paid that we had to be separated, even though he had a family. I went through the rest of my life feeling as if I wasn't quite good enough, feeling that there was something really wrong with me because I never did get a family. 

And I know that there are hundreds of thousands of children out there who beat themselves up because they really wonder, why aren't they good enough to get a home, something that every child deserves. It's a basic human right for children to have childhoods, to not have to worry and wonder, why don't they have family, why don't they have a mom and a dad, or an aunt and an uncle, some kind of security of family, so that they can thrive and grow up to be the best kind of people that they can be. 

I struggled with that. I tried to dig deep within, so that in spite of it, I could be the best person that I could be. And so, ultimately, I was determined to prove people wrong. I wanted to make sure that I would be in the position one day to care for my brother if something happened to him, and to care for my other siblings that came along afterwards. So, ultimately I did do that. 

I went on and I graduated from high school in spite of all the moves, and that resulted in me having to go to six different high schools, and I graduated on time as my class valedictorian. I went on to college and I got a degree in health and human services and then I went on and received another degree in health care management and another graduate degree in management, and had a successful career in the Navy and went on and just... other great jobs and became an advocate for children, although that was never my intention, but found that I really needed to do that. 

Because I wanted people to understand the pain, and to understand the possibilities at the same time, that all of the children who are waiting have. And I often wonder now, that although I never did get that family, that when people look at me and they see that I actually became the director of a major foundation, that I was the Chief of Staff in the Mayor's Office in Washington D.C., and that now that I run a major advocacy organization - I actually wonder who wouldn't want to call me son now. Who wouldn't be proud of having me as a part of their family, and how many children out there would say the same.