ROAD TO ADOPTION - AUGSBURGER FAMILY STORY

(MUSIC PLAYS)

No Audio: Jim and Kim Augsburger, Adoptive Parents

Kim Augsburger: Well, we started thinking about it when we were in Houston and kind of touched on the subject everyone once in a while after we got married. Maybe we should think about adoption, and then we didn't, you know, it was not a really serious thought. 

And we moved to North Carolina and thought a little bit more about it, and my job at the university has an adoption and foster care program in it. And I learned that you could do respite care. So I said, "Oh, Jim, we can do respite care. Weekends only." 

Jim Augsburger: You see the thought process, here? You know, we could do a noble thing without really disrupting our lives. On Friday at that time in my career, I had a lunch meeting and I remember getting the phone call. She knows that I'm at a lunch meeting on Friday. Why is she paging me in the middle of my meeting? 

And it was interesting how she broke the whole scenario. "Well, they have emergency placement. It's really important. This child has to come here. He's fairly young. He's only 17 months old." And well, I'm pretty well trained. 

My response was, "Well, good we're going to have a rational discussion about this and you're going to tell me what we're going to do, just like always." 

And then she said, "Well, it's this toddler and his two sisters." 

And I said, "Two sisters. How old are they?" 

And she said, "Well, they're actually sort of 8 and 11." 

And I said, "Have you lost your mind?" 

And she says, "Well, we do have room." 

I said, "Well, you're quite right about that. We do have lots of room. But are you sure you want... that we need to do this?" 

And she said, "Well, yes." She really was convinced this was the right thing to do. 

And I said, "Well, I'll tell you what - my contribution is, I'll come home from work an hour early. In the meantime let me know what arrangements you make." (laughs)

And I remember when we got home and they brought in these sweet children, one of them looked at me and they didn't ask the questions I thought they would ask: "Where am I going to sleep?" and "Where am I going to go to school?" "Where..." you know, "Is that dog going to bite me?" 

The first two questions were, "Do you all go to church?" And we do. And "Do you all eat pork?" And I said to her, "There's a ham in the refrigerator. You want some?" And that's how we got started. (laughs) 

These were children who were not exactly the children we thought we might have chosen originally because one of them was a toddler. One of us doesn't have much experience with toddlers. 

Kim Augsburger: That would be me. 

Jim Augsburger: And one of them was going to become in short order a teenager, and one of us didn't really mind taking children, but didn't want one that had ever become a teenager. 

Kim Augsburger: That would be me. (laughs)

Jim Augsburger: We had some getting ready to do. Fostering got us ready to do that. Fostering got us ready to become adoptive parents, because while I have grown children, Kim has never had any. And we had a lot to learn. 

Kim Augsburger: We'd had the children here just about a month, and we both kind of one night said, "I can't imagine these children being anywhere else." It was... there were other issues going on with the previous foster placement, so it was not something that we could just immediately start the adoption process. 

But we told the social worker that we had hope to adopt these children when the time was right and it did take a full year, but it was certainly worth every month of waiting. But it really was kind of... we came to the decision at the same time and it was almost exactly a month after they'd been here, and just couldn't imagine them ever being anyplace else. 

Jim Augsburger: We've had a lot of people who questioned not our motives, but our sanity. We are at a place in our lives where most adults are putting the parenting role behind them and beginning to enjoy the fruits of long careers and that sort of thing. 

We've had a lot of people who, you know, sort of wonder why we do this. It's kind of fun to tell them. It really is. I have someone at work who heard through the grapevine that my wife and I adopted three children. He's interested in fostering. We'll recruit them. 

Kim Augsburger: It's not just other people that think we are crazy. We thought we were crazy, (laughs) because it's hard not to think about having the... when Brandon came, he was almost two and when he gets out of high school, I don't want to think about how old I'll be, but there's advantages and disadvantages definitely. 

I mean, we're so much... we know so much more than a 25-year-old parent does and it's just we can provide more opportunities than a lot of the younger parents. But that was an issue, particularly for our oldest child, because she wasn't used to having expectations, and old parents. So, it's been kind of a fun journey, trying to overcome the stereotypes of an older parent. 

Jim Augsburger: It's true. This has been an adventure, all right. And on a moment-to-moment basis, we can pick out some times we'd just as soon do without, thank you very much. But Kim is right. This has been the most rewarding period of our marriage, by a long shot, being able to share the gift of children with one another. We would do it again in a heartbeat. 

Kim Augsburger: They had a bum deal in life for the first few years of their lives. It's over and they have a permanent family. And that'll always be part of their history, but it's time for them to move on, us to move on and be a family, and that's... it's so neat to see these kids grow up. I mean, it really is. 

I'm so excited to see in 10 or 15 years what they're going to achieve. And they're becoming caring people, sympathetic people and learning not to constantly blame their history. And that's really neat, because we all have stuff in our backgrounds that we need to just let go and move on. 

Jim Augsburger: One of the things is to treat them from the beginning as if they were members of our family, and we didn't really ever refer to them as foster children, and they are not now adoptive children. These are our children. 

Kim Augsburger: I don't know, I cannot imagine our lives without the kids in our home, and it's just been a blessing. I look so forward to seeing them grow up, and it's so neat to see Jessica as a 13- almost 14-year-old becoming this mature young woman who's changed so much in the last two years, and just seeing how she's doing great in school and having good friends and participating. 

It's really neat and I can't wait to see the other two grow up, as well. And they're going to be really good parents, because they know what it's like now. They will not repeat this as kids in foster care systems so often do, having children when they're children. They're not going to have that happen, because they have good roots now, and just look forward to seeing them grow up. 

Choose adoption for the right reason. Do it because you want to bring a child into your home, or children into your home, and make them part of your family, not a stranger who's brought into your home and kind of not really accepted as a full member. Do it because you want to love this child and help them make a difference in the world. 

As Jim said, I didn't have birth children and my idea of adoption was kind of like Diane Keaton in "Baby Boom," one of my favorite movies. The baby arrived at her doorstep. The toddler arrived at her doorstep, and, Lord knows, I didn't expect three children at my doorstep, but that's exactly what happened. 

You know, I wouldn't trade the last two years for anything. But it's been a struggle, at times. 

You know, I was used to doing what I wanted when I wanted, and we'd go on a trip at the drop of a hat, but the rewards of seeing these kids become such unique young adults and almost teenagers and almost a kindergartner has just been remarkable. And that's the most exciting thing and I look forward to the years ahead with all three of them. 

Jim Augsburger: I think that it's important that as foster parents we respect the system. We don't have to think the system is perfect and we actually don't, but it's very important we respect the system that we have, because it's society's effort to do the best it can do. It's not perfect. Children in foster care come with baggage very often. Parents who come to foster care sometimes have baggage, too. 

And we felt it very important for the children's health, because the kids have to come first. The system teaches you that, but we really believe that, and we tried all the time while they were foster placements with us to act with that in mind. 

Kim Augsburger: Everyone should consider adopting an older child. It was something I didn't necessarily want to do but as it was pointed out by a very wise man, all children become older children at some point. So, we have such a great range of ages with our children, from a 4-year-old to a 13-year-old, so we get the full spectrum. There are so many children out there in the foster care system waiting for adoption, most of whom are older children, pre-teens to 17- and 18-year-olds. 

And these people deserve a home, deserve a family, so that they have a chance in life. Because it is so difficult to go out on their own the second the system lets them go at age 18. They just don't have any sense about life. They have to learn that through a family and there are so many kids out there. 

Occasionally there's a baby, but usually that's with a sibling group, so you're going to have to just get over the want a baby thing and go for those kids, because they're out there and they all deserve a home. 

Jim Augsburger: And think of the values that we grew up with. We knew that when we got out of high school our parents would point us toward college, our parents would be there for us to help us begin formation of adult goals. We knew that our parents would be there for us to bring that first grandchild home to. We knew that our parents would be there for us until we needed to be there for them. 

That's the way family life is supposed to be. Children in foster care have as much right to that as do people like Kim and myself, who grew up in a family without the disruption. Adoption, even of an older child - sure, it means that you have to pass up the joys of raising an infant, the joys of potty training a toddler, the joys of dealing with early teenage-hood, if any of those there be. 

But nonetheless, if people who have the capacity to do this don't do it, the child is hurt, the child's future generations are hurt. It's important that people with the capacity to adopt a child into their family and have the wherewithal to do it, do so. And the wherewithal doesn't mean the money, it means the emotional wherewithal, which I think is by far a greater price to pay. 

Kim Augsburger: For those who are maybe afraid of adopting, it is a serious thing, and you really need to think thoroughly through the repercussions of what will happen. We hear about a lot of parents when they hear about adoption, "Well, I don't want any kids with behavioral problems or emotional problems or any kind of baggage whatsoever." 

Every child has something, whether you give birth to them or they're adopted. It is worth the risk, but you need to be ready for it and don't take it lightly. It's not to get a new buddy in your house. It's to get a child and every child has needs, no matter if you gave birth or if they're adopted. So, seriously consider it. And if you think it's the right thing to do, start the training and go through the process, and the right child will be placed with you.