THE ROAD TO ADOPTION - FOSTER AND ADOPTIVE PARENTS

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No Audio: Terri Kiser-Williams, Foster Parent

Terri Kiser-Williams: I'm a foster mom. I've been one for about 14 years. I never thought I would ever be one. I sort of fell into it and I'm so glad. I didn't have any kids. My husband and I didn't have children, so I worked really hard in the business world. I wasn't happy. I was successful. I wasn't happy. I was a godmother to lots of kids, a Sunday school teacher, but I wanted someone to call me mom. I didn't want to just teach and hug, I wanted to have children. 

No Audio: John and Lynette Thornborough, Foster/Adoptive Parents

Lynette Thornborough: Our goal was to adopt and we were looking at private adoptions originally, but then we got into the foster system because of a call we made to a private adoption agency, and we realized there was such a strong need. 

Terri Kiser-Williams: I remember thinking I wasn't qualified. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I could be a good mom or not. 

John Thornborough: They're coming from broken homes and is... are these children going to destroy our family? That's another fear that we had. 

No Audio: Foster Care

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No Audio: Tracey Duncan, Adoptive Parent

Tracey Duncan: Foster care is... because it is temporary, I think one of the biggest challenges is letting go of a child that you've grown connected to. But what you're doing is, you're giving them a gift. You're providing them with someone else in their life that can love them and nurture... in fact, I've told my daughter, you can never have too many people in your life that love you. 

And it is tough if a child comes into your home and then has to... then, either goes back... but it's also a wonderful success story, when you've been able to nurture a child and their birth family and they can be reconnected. 

Lynette Thornborough: And that's, of course, you know, I think the biggest challenge for people that want to foster, or are considering fostering, is that they don't know if the child's going to be able to stay and how can you possibly... if you get so attached, how can you let them go? How can you let them go? You must be, you know, cold-hearted to let them go. 

But that's not it at all, because what does a child need? The focus really comes on what does a child need. The child needs a loving home. They come out of the hospital, where are they going to go? They need a loving home. And whether you can provide that home temporarily or permanently it doesn't matter. They need to bond. We need to bond with each child. 

No Audio: Cyndi McDaniel, Foster/Adoptive Parent

Cyndi McDaniel: The social worker that was teaching that said that we need to be families for kids, and not kids for families, and so we made that our family motto. 

No Audio: Gerald Waters, Foster/Adoptive Parent

Gerald Waters: The thing that we want to do as a foster parent when we take them in is understand, it's about the child, and for whatever time that I can impact this child's life, whether it's two days, 20 years, whatever I can do to make their life better. That's what I want to focus on. And then it becomes... it's not about me and my separation, it's about the child.

No Audio: Adoption
 
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Tracey Duncan: I think when I began to think about adoption, my biggest concern was, can I do this permanently? Because, again, I'd seen children move from home to home to home, and I knew that this child had been disrupted more than once and had had a failed adoption. So, you know, prior to making the decision, I knew that it had to be a permanent commitment, and that once we entered into it, it was for good.

No Audio: Dorsell Martinez, Adoptive Parent
 
Dorsell Martinez: I think the thing that would make an adoption successful is first, that you have definitely been called to do that, and I think that that is something that you know within. I think that you have to be willing to have flexible expectations. 

I think that you have to understand that you may not get the gratification that you're looking for, the child that says, "I am so thankful that you adopted me, you know, my life is just wonderful." Because sometimes that doesn't come right away. 

Tracey Duncan: I stopped and thought, "Okay, is there any situation that I could not deal with?" And spent a lot of time thinking about that, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there is support out there for everyone. There's, you know, education, there's support, and that was available to me, as well. And I knew how to access those resources, so I wasn't afraid to do it. 

No Audio: Kim Hamilton, Adoptive Parent

Kim Hamilton: Tristan is as much my child as Matthew and William that I carried for nine months in my body. It takes... it's a different way of building a relationship, but he is my child and the love is there and the bonding is there, and don't be afraid of that. 

It may take some time, but you will bond with an older child. You will bond with a special needs child and that child will become your child. 

Cyndi McDaniel: I can say we didn't go into adoption to have a multicultural family, but it just became a part of who we are. Some of our extended family members were fearful of that and hesitant of that, and I know when speaking to other families that are not foster parents, they're fearful of doing that. 

But we've figured out the way to do it. We just have helped the people in our community know that every child was from the Lord, that our skin doesn't make who we are, that who we are inside makes who we are. 

And some of our family was slower than the rest of it to embrace our decision, but at this point every member of our family... and, I have to say, my dad, when we decided to adopt our African-American daughter - we were in the birth with her mother - he was a little bit leery that he would not love her the same as the rest of the grandchildren, and he was very open to say, "I want to, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to." 

He said that he prayed about it for a while and had other people praying for him. And he is the closest to her and they have a bond that brings tears to my eyes almost every single time I see them together. 

Gerald Waters: And I believe that any parent that really wants to, as long as they view it as, "This is my child," that changes everything. If you view it as, "Well, this is a foster child, this is an adopted child, this is a child that's traumatized," no - you can't do it. But foster parents, when we come in, we know, "This is my child."

No Audio: The Fear Factor
 
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Cyndi McDaniel: Every family has to make a decision on whether or not they are fostering to adopt or what kind of child they will adopt, and in our family, we began to have a passion for taking the children that other people didn't want. Everybody's ministry and choice is different, but that became ours. 

No Audio: Melisa Page-Bailie, Foster/Adoptive Parent

Melisa Page-Bailie: Every child is not a fit for every family, but there are families... I've had children that have gone from my home to adoptive placements. They were free for adoption in my home, but my home wasn't the right place for them. You just have... it's your life and you have to figure out who's the best match for your family, who's the best match for that child as, you know, what family would be best for that child. 

But it's not about being, you know, this great person or anything like that. It's about dedicating your life to taking care of children and giving them a chance to have a future. 

No Audio: Rick Hamilton, Adoptive Parent

Rick Hamilton: There aren't any bad kids. You know, there are kids that have been through a hard time. There are kids that may need some special help, but most of that special help is just in having a stable family. 

Cyndi McDaniel: Special needs children range from many things, that being just because they've been previously abused or neglected all the way up to... we have a child in our home with a G-tube and in a wheelchair. But they're not to be feared.There are so many blessings in dealing with those children. We have one of our sons died three years ago and if social services called me today and said, "Cyndi, would you take this child, he's going to have a shortened life span," in a minute I would do it again. I would absolutely do it again. 

The blessing that he was to our family, that he was to our children, the capacity that he taught us to love that they teach you in a way that no other normal, healthy child can teach you. 

Tracey Duncan: And there are, you know, many, many, many children in the foster care system now, many teenagers, who deserve and need a committed family. I think one of the fears that people have about teenagers is that you hear, you know, that they have problems and they have issues. What teenager does not have adjustment issues? 

Terri Kiser-Williams: And I remember one little girl said, "Well, why would you want me? I'm a teenager. Don't you want a little kid?" And I'm, like, "Well, kittens grow up and become cats. Puppies grow up and become dogs. You don't get rid of them. You love them." 

Tracey Duncan: Because they've been rejected all their lives. They lost their birth family, they may have lost several foster adoptive families. So, I think they really need a family, and I think it's important for people to understand that them pushing away doesn't mean that they don't want you or need you. They just need time to learn to trust again, and learn to love. And they definitely need to belong. 

I think another misconception is that all of the connections that the children in foster care have with their birth families and other people that were in their lives before are, I don't know, monsters or scary, scary people. And I have not found that to be true in my experience. Certainly, they made a mistake or they did make mistakes, or for whatever reason they were unable to parent their children. But one of the most important things, particularly when you're adopting older children, is that you have to respect their need for those connections. 

We all what to know who we are and where we came from. That's part of our identity no matter what, and it never changes. So I think one of the most important aspects of adopting older children is to try to maintain those connections whenever it is safe and appropriate. 

Terri Kiser-Williams: These kids have already been hurt, and they've already been rejected. They've already had people say no to them or just leave them alone, or say, "I can't take this child, take them away." So you can't look at it like that. You look at them as, this is a child that needs you. This child needs someone to believe in them, and when things aren't going well, that's when they need you the most. 

And I sometimes would ask myself, when I really make the worst mistakes of my life, when I've really let myself down, do I want someone else to turn their back on me, or do I want someone to just hug me and hold me. Not even say magic words, just hold me, and just say, "It's going to be alright." And somehow, when you feel loved, then you can pick yourself up and try again. And that's what the kids need. 

No Audio: The Difference That You Can Make

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No Audio: Ollie Sharper, Foster Parent

Ollie Sharper: I get great pleasure out of taking my boys in the kitchen two weeks before Christmas and cooking all of this mess that they have no business eating. And I let them have at it for two weeks. They run me nuts, but I realize that this stuff that regular, everyday kids take for granted - the fact that your momma's cooking when you come home from school - that these children have not even experienced. 

Stuff that we... "Ah, I don't want to eat that." You know what I'm saying? Everyday stuff that our children became spoiled and overindulged in, these children have never even experienced. A momma that's frying some chicken in a skillet when you came home. You'd be surprised at how much joy... It is not rocket science. 

All you got to do... when people talk to me, they say, "Oh, what kind of degree, what is your background?" I tell them, "I'm just a momma." I'm a momma. And I do things that mommas do. 

John Thornborough: It's not a turnstile operation that we're running here. This is a family. And each child that comes into this house, we love him as our own. Unconditionally. And when a child senses that, he develops these attachment skills, which allow him to be a productive, confident little boy or little girl. And they develop normally, because they know that they're loved unconditionally. 

Lynette Thornborough: Of course, when we started fostering and the kids started coming. And once they came we just didn't let them leave. And so when they came up for adoption we just adopted. We have adopted every child that has come into our home that has come up for adoption. 

Melisa Page-Bailie: There are so many children that need homes in our country. Why... and there are children in other countries. There are just as many in other countries that need homes, but we have children right here that need us, and we need to take care of the children that are right here. 

Ollie Sharper: And we as the American community, we're walking past and we're saying to these kids, ôThis is somebody else's problem.ö But I am here to tell you today, this is our problem and it's not going away. And it's not getting any better. 

Melisa Page-Bailie: If the child is not adopted, there's going to be so much more damage done to that child while they're in the foster care system and moved. And they may get in a good foster home where they stay. They may be moved three or four times, six, seven, eight, nine times. They may spend years and age out of the system. 

Ollie Sharper: I have had some of the worst children in my area, worst behaviors, but I have changed the lives of many children. 

Dorsell Martinez: And no matter how old they are... I have recently had opportunity to have 18-year-olds that said, "I just want to be adopted," and they have been. And you would have thought that they'd won the lottery. So, it's really important for everybody to understand that everybody wants to be part of a family. 

Terri Kiser-Williams: And you do not have to be perfect, because I am not perfect. My cooking's not good, my jokes aren't good and I'm not the most beautiful thing, and I'm a half a century old, and I've got teenagers when I could be a grandma. But, you know what? My kids love me. 

Melisa Page-Bailie: I think you reach a point where you say, "This is my life and what's one more child? What's three more children?" It's just, you can make a difference in their life. They're only children for a short time. 

Terri Kiser-Williams: And if I needed to, I could call my mom or my dad and they'd be there for me. If these kids don't have a home, who's going to be there for them? 

Tracey Duncan: And I think that's an important thing to keep in mind when you're adopting. It's, you know, ôWhat can I do to make a difference?ö And there are many children out there that will make a difference in our world and we need to be there for them.
 
Terri Kiser-Williams: And it's not me. I'm not special. I'm just a person who opened up my heart and my home. 

John Thornborough: We're also cowards, and we weren't sure that adoption was the right thing for us, so it was a lot of the... there's a lot of uncertainty. It was fear, but we knew that if we just took it one step at a time and we trusted in the Lord, He would provide a way for us. 

And so we got into foster care because we could get out. We got into foster care because if it didn't work out, we could step back and say, "This is not what God wants for our family." So we started with a step of faith, but we were afraid, too. So foster care... the Lord used that to build our family up through adoption. 

No Audio: Barbara Washington, Foster/Adoptive Parent

Barbara Washington: We need foster parents. I encourage anybody, anybody out there that feels like they have the space, the heart to do so. An adoption is nothing to be afraid of. It's just like you're taking in your own child. And adoption is, to me, it was the best thing that I could have done. 

No Audio: Robin Green, Foster/Adoptive Parent

Robin Green: I encourage anybody. You don't know what you're missing, making a difference in another child's life. 

Gerald Waters: So, we said, "Well, we could help with respite care." And we did the respite care, we did the foster care and we finally ended up with adopting. 

Barbara Washington: By all means, give it a try. If you don't want to adopt, foster some kids and... I mean, once you foster, it'll be like... to me it's like heaven. You know, I'm just doing the best thing I could've done. 

Rick Hamilton: Well, I think where we started would be a good place to begin the process, and that is looking on the Internet, and in particular at AdoptUSKids website, at... what resources you have there, and you can look at the photo listing without registering, and just get an idea of what kinds of children are out there. 

John Thornborough: Just go and take the classes, become a licensed home and then see where the Lord leads you from there. 

No Audio: Jason McDaniel, Foster/Adoptive Parent

Jason McDaniel: And even when you sign up you're not agreeing to take children. You're just going through the class to see what it's like, to kind of hear what the kids go through and, just as you say, to get your feet wet and see what you could expect, or what it could be like, and from there you can make a decision to either take kids or maybe not. 

Ollie Sharper: It is the most worthwhile trouble that I have ever put myself through. I know that they have behaviors that you are going to think, "I cannot deal with this." But they are just kids. That's it. And if you can remember that that's a child, then you can do this job. You can do this work. You'll be surprised what gifts lie in you. 

Dorsell Martinez: Search your heart and know that there are thousands and thousands of children out there that need a family, that want to be loved, and that, if you have the heart to do that, go and knock on that door, pick up that phone and let the system know that you are interested in doing that. Do not be afraid.