INSIDE OKDHS -- DEALING WITH LOSS

Narrator: It's a natural part of life but it’s never easy.  When we lose a friend or loved one, how we deal with it is as individual as we are.  At no other time is self-care more crucial than during the grieving process.

Dr. Vicki Perkins: The stages of the grieving process, with some references will talk about four and others will talk about five, but primarily the first one is denial. The person is in shock. It's as though you're dreaming; you're going to wake up pretty soon. You know, this isn't real. And once that passes the next stage is often that of emotions coming out, or the anger stage.  And that anger may be at the person who has died. It may be with oneself because, you know, maybe there's some guilt that you could have done something, which usually is not the case.

But, people often have those feelings: anger at God or maybe the medical profession or co-workers. The anger can be displaced onto a lot of places. Then often follows depression ù those feelings of sadness which we would expect. And then finally, some peace and resolution and acceptance of that. 

The stages don't necessarily go lock step from the first to the last. Often we move back and forth between stages.

Canaan Crane: Then some people really do experience it as kind of a growth and healing process. It's something that they experience negatively but they move through it.

Doctor Bob Searl: But also the unpredictability of how long one will feel those things is another, I think, characteristic of grief. It's very individual.

Narrator: Though the intensity and duration of the grieving process is unpredictable, it does move forward. If it does not, help may be in order.

Canaan Crane: Some of the things that people can do in order to grow and heal through the grieving process, rather than getting stuck, is really to embrace the process.  Many people really try their hardest to not allow themselves to experience that natural grief reaction.  For many people it's seen or they see themselves as weak if they experience that or as something that they have to control lest it overwhelm them. And while it is something that's important to interact with actively for instance, really taking a measure  of what it means to you that you've lost someone, what it says about the meaning of your life  and what it says that you feel so strongly  about this person and the grief.

So, it's important to kind of take measure of that but to also, to really think about, "How will this move me into the future?" So many times we can get really stuck in the present or in the pas  and we forget that we're called to move towards the future.

Dr. Vicki Perkins: There are some signs that one should look for in taking care of yourself. One is to make sure that it's not affecting your self-care and second, that it's not interfering with your work  or your personal relationships.

Dr. Bob Searl: When someone comes to me and they feel stuck, as a pastor then, I intervene a little bit and I make suggestions of things that they should and could do -- probably would avoid the word should --  but, things they could do.
I would encourage them to invest back in their faith community.

Sometimes when people experience loss or grief, they step back. They want some space. And being around people is difficult for them. I encourage them to break the cycle, perhaps to step back into their faith community if they haven't, if they've stepped out of it. I encourage them to pray. Sometimes people in grief find it difficult to pray, and so, I would encourage them to pray.

Sometimes the anger I talked about earlier is directed toward God and so you know, praying ù they might not want to talk to God. They may not feel that they're on speaking terms right now. So, I would encourage them to pray.

Dr. Vicki Perkins: Usually, we recommend that a person will get some assistance from a professional when the grieving process has gone on for an extended amount of time.  The experts often say four to six months, but clinically we know a year is not unusual for a person to work through that loss because they're dealing with holidays, birthdays and then the anniversary of the death.  Grief Counseling is pretty straightforward and often does not take long.  You know, you're not going to be in therapy for two years, if you choose to go to counseling for your loss.

NO AUDIO: "Choose Self Care"

Narrator: If you are dealing with loss, know that you have help available to you.  Counseling services are provided to OKDHS employees through the Employee Assistance Program.  EAP services are strictly confidential.  Let it be part of your self-care.